Healing is hard work. It comes in waves, and I'm learning to let it have its way. I am not in control of the healing rain which falls and cleanses. Washing out a wound always hurts, but then it begins to close up and heal, so that you can remember the ache but not actively feel it any more.
That is what is happening for me right now. The sting has passed in certain areas, and I can still probe at the emotional wounds, but they are slowly closing up and getting better. The throbbing pain is gone and I can glimpse a future where I don't live with gaping gashes in my psyche which I am too afraid to acknowledge or examine.
I want to live in health, not in sickness. We are all walking with wounds that no one else can see, but the good news is that we can heal them if we make that a priority in our busy lives. It takes time, and patience, and lots of tears to wash away the wounds we have sustained. I'm not good at waiting, but I'm realizing that if I want the healing to go deep I must wait for the process to be accomplished.
It's not easy to recognize that we aren't in control of everything. There is a tide which moves around us, gently sometimes and then fiercely picking up speed and strength. All of our emotions are involved in healing. We feel rage, and we weep from despair, and we are pierced through with a soaring joy. It's all part of the package, and it doesn't help us to shut down any of these areas.
Being open to what happens to us and in us is an important component of healing. I was so guarded before that I would shield myself from any perceived threat, and I ended up frozen inside. This was easier than thawing my emotions and feeling all that anger and pain, but I couldn't grow when I was in a numbed anaesthetic state all of the time.
Over time, I dropped my walls. And I hurt, so badly that I could barely function in the world. But it got better, inch by inch, and that's what healing looks like.
Now I feel so much stronger than I've ever felt, and my emotions don't terrify me like they once did, but that raw vulnerability means I pay a high price when I get hurt. The good news is that I can heal from what hurts me now, instead of avoiding it or frantically stuffing my life full to distract from what was lurking under the surface.
Healing rain comes when it wants and leaves when it wants. There is no magic formula, only openness and authenticity. We need to rely on grace in order to feel healing. Nobody deserves it.
We would all wallow in our shame and degradation if we did not accept the generous nature of grace. When we open ourselves up to the miracle of healing, we will find it is there, abundantly, and personally tailored for each of us.