women Archives - Julianne Harvey

In Culture, Identity, Nurture, Personal Growth

Hope and Rage

Julianne HarveyAugust 22, 2017August 18, 2017

If hope is a balloon, light and airy and free, right now it’s firmly attached to an anchor of rage for me. I feel so fucking mad right now, angrier than I can ever recall being, at the state of our world and the sheer madness of what some people are thinking, doing and saying.

As a woman, I’m tired of staying quiet. Remaining calm, stable and gentle. NO. Not now. Not with this lunatic American president spewing hate, misogyny, racism and fear-mongering on a daily basis. Not with the evangelical Christian community I came from (and left in 2014) still supporting these dangerous rantings from a man unfit in every way to hold the office of president.

This tsunami of rage has threatened to take me over completely. I know I have to feel it, to let it have its way, for the purpose of anger is to cleanse and to prepare us for a new stage of positive action.

We are all in for a fight. It’s beyond time for the patriarchy to die, with its failed notions of male hierarchies grasping the power structures of the world. I’d love to believe that we can resist our way to a healthier society with no blood being shed or lives being destroyed, but history tells us this is not how the process works. The arc of social justice is long, messy and deadly.

Clearly, the time for wealth and race to dictate who holds authority is over. Finished. We are watching the death throes of the rich white man wielding power by blaming minorities, women and the poor for everything that goes wrong. It’s time for the evangelical church to perish right along with this male-centred structure of abuse, so something new and inclusive can form instead.

But the question remains, how violent is this clash between love and decency versus hate and supremacy going to get? How many lives will be lost? Exactly how brave are we going to have to be to stand up for what’s right?

Perhaps the fury I feel, together with many other women, people of colour and all who have been oppressed and humiliated for too long, is the fuel we need to move our resistance forward. To say “Hell no” and “Fuck you” with spirit and courage. To fight, but never to hate. To build the type of world that we’ve long believed was possible – not one with faulty top-down ideas of success that hinge on being male and white, but instead one that embraces everyone who has been marginalized and says, “Let’s work together.”

That’s where the hope comes in. And maybe, after a ton of work, time and acceptance, we can cut the string on the balloon and watch it soar into the sky, knowing that the future can be brighter than our distressing and unfair past.

In Culture, Identity, Nurture, Parenting, Personal Growth

The Future is Female

Julianne HarveyJuly 4, 2017

Since the U.S. election in November 2016, I’ve been saying some variation of “the future is female” to anyone who will listen (and to some who will not), so to hear Rob Bell use this phrase in his fantastic story A Goat for a Boat re-lit a fuse somewhere in my soul.

For huge global change to occur, the existing power structure must topple. This often involves life-and-death struggle, bloodshed, loss and pain. It’s a long, slow march with a high price tag for the leaders of the movement.

The patriarchy is a long-held institution and its destruction will be costly, ugly and difficult. But also necessary. If the future is female, then we are in for quite a ride before this prophecy unfolds.

It’s interesting that Wonder Woman has been such a smash hit, coming at a time when U.S. politics feel so dangerous and damaging to many of us. I think this is all part of the deconstruction of the patriarchy as we have long understood it. Of course those at the top of this power structure feel threatened. No one wants to lose their hold on power, but as history has shown us, eventually all systems implode when the pressures inside of them and outside of them become too strong.

We are living this out. It’s going to take a long time and be brutally awful before it’s through. But the process of change is stirring. Anyone paying attention can see that something is happening in our world.

As the plot of Wonder Woman so brilliantly demonstrated, compassion and truth are the keys to a future run by women. We are stronger when we lead as a team, with our arms linked, instead of from an outdated top-down hierarchical approach. Those days are behind us. Something new is unfolding. It’s time for love to take the lead.

My 14-year-old daughter gives me hope for the future. She has grown up believing that she is a leader. She promotes fairness, equality, gentleness. Nothing in her says that boys are better leaders. That cultural programming never had a chance with Ava and most of her friends. They simply don’t buy it, and why should they? It’s garbage and always has been.

The future is female. Thanks, Rob, for echoing this sentiment so beautifully in your clever children’s story. The time is now to recognize the obvious limitations of white men holding onto power at any cost. The way forward is to include everyone when the decisions are being made. We need many different voices at the table.

Women have a lot to say. We can contribute. We are leaders with a fresh perspective on local and global issues. It’s our time to shine, to collaborate, to offer up solutions with peace and kindness at their core instead of violence and competition. If the future is female, our outlook is bright and optimistic.

In Culture, Identity, Movies/TV, Nurture, Parenting, Uncategorized

Cultural Beauty Standard Madness

Julianne HarveyMarch 28, 2017March 27, 2017

It’s time to change the way we think about women and weight in this culture. The entire fashion industry is built on the idea that being extremely thin is the gold standard. Our society literally encourages girls and women to starve in order to be considered attractive. Anything else is disappointing at best but more often disgusting and offensive.

I say NO MORE OF THIS MADNESS. All change starts with individuals, so I am no longer interested in allowing someone else to tell me what beauty looks like. I know for sure it’s not starving yourself so you can wear size 0 jeans.

What’s wrong with a nice, round tummy and thighs that jiggle a bit when you walk? This obsessive pursuit of a demanding beauty takes way too much of our collective mental energy and time, not to mention inciting a raging case of “not-good-enough-ism” in many women who are healthy and gorgeous at a size 12, 14 or 16 but feel gigantic and hideous because of the messaging in our unbalanced society.

I’ve been checking old movies out of the library on DVD to watch as a family, believing that classic cinema with its focus on character development and stellar writing can act as a balm for our cell-phone addicted, dumbed-down current media environment. Last week we watched Citizen Kane (okay, the first half of it before my attention wandered…not completely sure why this is AFI’s top movie of all time) and I was struck by the healthy appearance of the women dancing in one scene.

In 1941, apparently it was desirable and reasonable to have thighs bigger than delicate tree branches, gently flabby upper arms and soft bellies. It’s the polar opposite of what we see now on screen so it jumped out at me.

I’m determined to stop wishing for a flat stomach and perfectly toned arms and legs. It’s simply not worth it to me to put in that kind of time. But it’s not enough to make this decision – I also have to actively reassure myself that how my body looks is okay, DAMMIT. It’s more than okay. I’m strong and healthy and beautiful and thirty pounds over my doctor’s weight and I’m completely over feeling like shit about it.

A lot of this relates to the undercurrent of sexism still very present in our modern world. Most fashion magazines are not aimed at men. The expectation that women have to be beautiful, thin, expertly made-up at all times with their hair bouncy and freshly coloured at a salon is real and pervasive. And you better have a strong sense of self-esteem to go out of the house in anything other than a carefully-designed outfit because in sweat pants you run the risk of feeling marked, lazy and judged.

I really think it’s time for us to stand up against this tyranny. Nobody gets to make us feel inferior without our consent. I thought our cultural beauty standards didn’t bother me but it turns out that they really, really, really do. I’m going to work on actively loving myself through this by reassuring my own rounded body that I’m okay, exactly as I am.

My daughter just turned 14 and is pursuing a career in acting. The pressure to be so tiny that you almost fade out of existence is immense, but I want her to be confident in the body she has and the unique beauty that she possesses. The best way for me to help her love herself and refuse to compare herself to others is to walk this out in front of her.

Who’s with me?

In Culture, Identity, Minimalism, Nurture

Opting Out of Being Pretty

Julianne HarveyJanuary 17, 2017January 17, 2017

Okay, ladies, I’ve got a challenge for you. It involves living as bravely as we can by daring to be our true, authentic selves. This includes saying what we mean, feeling all of our emotions, no matter how wild, showing up exactly as we are without feeling that we need to cover up with makeup, style our hair or dress up a certain way.

Did I have you right up until that last sentence?

Lately I’m longing to just be myself by opting out of the heavy societal pressure to be pretty. Actually, it’s more than opting out. I want to actively oppose the idea that I’m supposed to be made up, fashionable, presentable in some prescribed manner. This is a tax that men and boys do not have to pay to exist in the world. It’s time for women to get to do the same without being labelled as “letting themselves go.”

If I want to feel strong and confident and in control of who I am and what I look like, I get to make this decision myself. I don’t need anyone else’s permission and neither do you. But the tide of cultural expectations is a formidable entity to challenge, so it helps when we don’t feel too isolated or odd or strange. There’s safety in a few numbers, hence my challenge to join me in this revolutionary act.

I’ve been going out into the world without makeup now for about a year. Sometimes I wear it for special occasions or to boost my self-esteem when I know every other woman in the room will be beautifully made up, but more often than not, I have gone out into society without the armour of powder, liquid makeup, concealer, blush, mascara, eyeliner or lipstick (even typing out this partial list feels exhausting to me).

Now, at the beginning of 2017, I want to take this experiment up a notch. I still don’t want to cover up my face in private or in public, but now I want to feel just as beautiful and desirable with a natural face as I would with one full of makeup. This may take me a bit of time. It’s far too easy to feel less-than.

And I totally understand that some women like putting on makeup and doing their hair. I’m not saying this is wrong. I just long to move away from the pressure I sense to look a certain way in order to feel beautiful, acceptable, worthy. I want those things to come from inside of me and not be hinged on any outside factor.

So I’m going forward from here, taking huge inspiration from Alicia Keys and Leith McHugh (Brave Beauty) and others. A group of us is out there already but we can always use more. Courage is contagious. It grows and spreads and helps us all to be better versions of our truest selves.

I’d love to hear from my readers and keep this conversation going. Anyone go out regularly without makeup and feel fantastic and brave? Drop me a line and let me know that we are in this together.

In Culture, Identity, Nurture, Personal Growth

My Tummy’s Name is Doris

Julianne HarveyDecember 20, 2016

I named my tummy Doris to personalize her. It’s harder to dislike someone with a name and a personality. Now, when I wake up in the morning, I say, “Hello, Doris” and it helps me to treat her gently and with more respect.

I’m utterly fed up and discouraged by our culture’s obsession with thin, perfect bodies for women. Men are not under the same pressure to look sleek, elegant, stylish and fit. Sure, many men would prefer six-pack abs, but I’ve never heard a man referred to as “plus-sized”, yet women have to endure this label all the damn time.

No societal change happens quickly. It’s a twenty year process, at minimum, but we can choose not to play our role in it anymore. No outside pressure can make us feel bad about ourselves. We have to opt in for that to work. As Amy Schumer famously said, “I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will.”

I’m exhausted worrying about how Doris will look in a swimsuit or a new pair of jeans. There are much bigger things to be concerned about in this life. I’m longing to opt out of tying my weight and appearance to my sense of self-worth. But there’s no point in yearning for this. Now is the time to decide to let this nonsense go and carry on by saying if I’m beautiful and if I’m strong.

Doris is still sore from my appendix surgery this summer. The three laparoscopy sites are mildly tender to the touch, five months later, and I feel like the work I did before surgery with weights and sit-ups has been undone. I want now to simply accept my body as it is. To stop wishing it was like someone else’s. To thank it for carrying me around in this world and to look after it and love it with kindness instead of shame.

As women, we have impossible beauty standards all around. I rebel against the idea that I’m supposed to be made up and pretty when I’m out and about. I’ve been leaving my face free of makeup and going into stores in a ponytail and yoga pants and trying to make it a radical act. But this only works if I truly believe I’m allowed to do this. Some days I feel strong and sure on this, and other days I look around at the women who are made up and look stunning and then I feel insecure and silly.

Perhaps this type of growth is a slow process. I loved it when Alicia Keys talked about not wanting to cover up anymore. Something in me rose up and shouted, “Yes! Me too!” It’s brave to show up as we really are instead of hiding. Occasionally it feels too radical, too unsafe, so I retreat behind my desire to conform and work harder at being pretty and acceptable.

Is it okay to want to be pretty just for ourselves? And is it okay not to want to be pretty? To just go into the world as a man would do, without applying makeup and blow-drying hair and dressing up to go buy fruit and milk?

For now, I’m working on talking myself off the ledge with a series of affirmations. I greet Doris each day and tell her I love her, just as she is, round and soft and ample. I say, “You are okay. You are worthy of care and affection. You don’t have to look like a starving model to be beautiful.”

I wish I didn’t have to try so hard to offer myself permission to look the way I look. I’d rather not aspire to a concept of beauty that is unattainable to most. I enjoy food too much and the gym too little to make that level of sacrifice so I’ll have a flat stomach and shapely limbs. At the age of 44, it’s not likely to happen, especially since I’ve had this same basic body type since I was a teenager.

Now the key is to accept myself and to opt out of the madness that is the beauty and fashion industry. I don’t have to believe I’m less-than. It’s counter-culture enough to love myself (and Doris) with a radical sense of care and kindness, no matter what size I am. Who’s with me?